003: periods are hard / other people's grandmothers
in this episode, nins gets vulnerable about her experience living and coping with Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). arns celebrates our immigrant grandmothers and the fruits of their labor through the song "Carmen" by Olivia Dean.
CONTENT WARNING: depression
referenced in this episode:
Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). For more resources, please see information from Cleveland Clinic, Hopkins Medicine, and Mayo Clinic.
"Carmen" by Olivia Dean (@oliviadeano)
0:00 - intro
8:27 - nins: PMDD
34:58 - arns: "Carmen" by Olivia Dean
episode summary
introduction
Hi crybabies, we’re back! To open this episode, Nins and Arns debate the perfect nickname for their dedicated listeners. Arns had lovingly suggested “tearjerks”, but Nins—for absolutely no good reason—had to veto that. Together, they settled on “crybabies”. Good enough is great, or something like that.
Nins recounts her annoyingly grand adventure to Seoul, Korea and Oahu, Hawai’i. While the trip was obvi one incredible experience after another, she had an unexpected cry when eating samgyetang, a traditional Korean chicken porridge soup. Savoring the meal evoked memories of her childhood and a Filipino dish arroz caldo, a rice porridge her dad would lovingly prepare whenever anyone in the family was under the weather. Nins reflects on the powerful connection between food, family, and love: “It just felt like—wow, this is a dish that has been prepared for centuries by people that are nourishing their family.”
Arns (in tears) adds that society so fervently prioritizes efficiency—you get your food meal prepped, you move on with your day. But in Filipino culture, preparing food is a labor of love; there is a special warmth and care embedded in homemade meals. With that said, Nins held back her tears at the restaurant because American tourists are probably the least equipped population to address the crying stigma in Korea. It’s okay Nins, we hereby release you from that burden.
Angela’s segment: PMDD (8/10 tears)
Nins beautifully segues into her segment, revealing that she actually cried thrice (that means 3x for those of you who don’t have sticks up your asses) in 5 days while in Hawai’i. The reasons were as follows:
She finished The Wishing Game by Meg Shaffer, then immediately proceeded to bully Arns into reading it. Literally, she overnight shipped it to Arns via Uncle Bezos.
She attended a wedding (say less!!!).
Last but clearly not least, Nins had a tough moment with her PMDD, which she’ll be sharing today. It’s a vulnerable one, so buckle in.
Before we get into it—wtf is PMDD? PMDD stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It’s a condition that affects approximately 8-10% of people who menstruate. PMDD is like PMS but taken to the extreme, with symptoms so severe that they can significantly hinder a person's ability to function normally. For Nins, the most challenging aspect of PMDD is the intense bouts of depression that occur every month, leaving her paralyzed and inert.
nins posing casually in front of the words, “living with pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)”.
Nins discovered PMDD by accident on Twitter, and she’s honestly fucking pissed thinking about how easily she might have missed learning about the disorder if she hadn’t been mindlessly scrolling. She’s wrought with frustration at the lack of education and awareness surrounding women’s health issues, shrouded as they are in taboo and silence.
Nins is also pissed (brb crying ANGRY tears fr) at how societal expectations force half the population on earth to mask their discomfort once a month as they plaster smiles on their faces and pretend everything is fine, even when dealing with significant physical and emotional turmoil. Nins isn’t a doctor (“Did you know that?” she asks Arns. In earnest confusion, Arns replies, “Wait, what?”), so she urges listeners to see their physician if any of this resonates with them. These girlies are professional criers, not professional medical…professionals…
In terms of treatment, one potential option discussed with her gynecologist was taking antidepressants two weeks before her period. But due to the irregularity of her cycle and the time needed for her body to adjust, this wasn’t super feasible. Consequently, Nins has turned to holistic methods, emphasizing the importance of maintaining a routine and consuming fibrous foods and leafy greens to alleviate symptoms. And this is all well and good, but sometimes you gotta dip to Seoul, and who the fuck goes to Seoul and only eats spinach?
Another fun lil factor—Nins is usually in a safe space when she has these “bouts” and is able to wait it out/cry it out/sleep it off at home. But when you’re on vacation, you’re in a new environment, so again, it’s all a bit fucked.
And not to shit on the rest of her trip—it was obvi amazing, but towards the end she found herself battling exhaustion and being a tad overwhelmed from socializing (interacting with other people? yuck). As their final day approached, she and her husband made plans to live up their last night in Waikiki. During dinner, she noticed her mood beginning to dip, attributing it initially to 1) fatigue and 2) spending 15 straight days with Lu and only Lu. But we can only lie to ourselves for so long :’) And Nins could already tell something was amiss.
Following dinner, she was hesitant to go back to their room, worried it might allow the full weight of her emotions to take over. But Lu needed to use the bathroom (goddammit Lu!!!!!), so they went back up—and as expected, she began to feel the full impact of her PMDD and depression setting in.
Nins attempts to describe what this paralysis feels like, stating that it leaves her inert: “Like how objects in motion stay in motion, objects that are at rest—they're not fucking moving.” Women in particular feel pressured to always appear in control; don’t make a scene, don’t be reactive, etc.…and so Nins agreed to go on a walk. In retrospect: awful idea.
ON PMDD
it's so loud and the thoughts are racing and my body is overstimulated and I become inert. it's like—you know how objects in motion stay in motion?objects at rest—they're not fucking moving.
-nins, brb crying ep 003
As Nins and Lu ventured out for one last wild night out in Waikiki, they came across a man at a stoplight very much in his drop top cruising the streets, his volume cranked all the way up. Ever kind and gentle, the universe stroked its chin and pondered, “What’s the most annoying song I could play at this moment?” Lo and behold, “Ah, me so horny…” blasts from the speakers. As Nins sums up: “I’m fucking laughing now; was not laughing then.”
At that point, returning to the hotel seemed like a solid next step. In an incredibly vulnerable moment, Nins found herself unable to perform the most basic tasks. Brushing teeth, changing clothes—these everyday acts somehow felt like Herculean feats. While physically unable to move, Nins’ internal dialogue was racing: “get your shit together, you’re being dramatic, don’t make your husband do all this stupid shit—” and here, dear listener, is when the tears came in full force.
One one hand, Nins berated herself—but on the other hand, a quieter part of her pushed back, “Why must I deny myself this moment where I’m not in control of what I'm feeling?”
As Nins wraps up her story, she shares a truth that hopefully resonates with listeners: knowing the science behind your struggles doesn't always make them easier to bear. It's akin to having a map of the maze you're lost in—helpful in theory, but at the end of the day, you’re still fucking stuck and it really sucks and you kind of just have to find your way out of there.
Nins lays her vulnerability bare, reminding us that we're not the only ones facing these struggles. In a world where social media makes everyone look bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and perpetually vacationing on the Amalfi Coast, Nins and Arns are here to remind you that probably like 63-82% of life is an absolute shit show and far from IG-worthy.
Arns, a pretty solid BFF (8/10 for sure), points out a silver lining in Nins' dark cloud: the incredible support system she has in Lu. Because when you're at your lowest, unable to perform even the most basic self-care, having someone (or something) to hold you up is all you can really ask for.
As they begin their descent on this emotional rollercoaster, Nins reiterates that this was some hard shit to talk about. But in offering up their experiences, our hosts remind us all that as lonely as it feels, we’re not alone. Period.
Arns’ segment: “Carmen” by Olivia Dean (3/10 tears)
This week, Arns relishes in the joy that is Olivia Dean's "Carmen", a song that's—surprise!—more than just a s1cK a$s bEaT.
Arns introduces us to Olivia Dean, a 25-year-old English singer-songwriter who's been making waves in the Neo Soul genre. Because life isn’t fair, Olivia Dean is not only an incredible lyricist and vocalist—she also has a presence that lights up rooms, an incredibly British sense of humor (why are all Brits SO funny????? help), and is breathtakingly gorgeous. And utterly timeless. But it's not just her talent and entire persona that Arns is in love with; it's the depth behind her music, particularly the song "Carmen."
"Carmen," as Arns explains, is Dean's tribute to her grandmother, a member of the Windrush generation—Caribbean immigrants who came to the UK between 1948 and 1971, bringing with them a vibrant tapestry of culture that forever changed the face of Britain. It's a story that resonates deeply with Arns, echoing the immigrant experiences of her own family and countless others.
Being obsessed with Deano, Arns had listened to Carmen dozens of times. But when she saw Olivia Dean perform "Carmen" live in November 2023 during her Messy album tour…the song hit SO different. In that moment, Arns understood that “Carmen” wasn’t just a personal tribute; it was a celebration of every immigrant who ever took that leap of faith into the unknown.
arns laugh-smiling in front of the words, “celebrating our immigrant ancestors”.
Every time Olivia Dean performs this song, fans sing their heart out—and in the case of Coachella or Lollapalooza, that is literally THOUSANDS of people singing Carmen’s name. Collectively, they're not just echoing lyrics: they're honoring a legacy.
In a moment of profound realization, Arns reflects on how we often focus on the struggles and sacrifices of our immigrant ancestors, sometimes forgetting to celebrate the incredible legacy they've built. She shares a powerful quote from Dr. Jacqueline Thanh of VAYLA New Orleans during a recent seminar she’d attended around AAPI members supporting a Free Palestine: "Intergenerational trauma doesn't necessarily have to be our narrative; it can be intergenerational power instead." It is a much-needed perspective shift. What if we acknowledged our hardships, yes, but centered them a bit less…and instead allowed ourselves to revel in the strength, resilience, and love that brought us to where we are today?
Nins acknowledges our v real privilege of being able to feel and process trauma, understanding that it comes from a place of abundance created by those who came before us. She muses about her own mother's life at her age—raising kids in a foreign land—and considers how we don’t often dwell on what it was like for them. Arns adds that when we do dwell, it’s always “wow, that was so hard for you,” but never “here, enjoy the fruits of your labor.”
ON ANCESTORS. we talk so much about sacrifice but don’t take the time to celebrate that we are here now—“look at all this love that has come from your love—all this abundance we are now basking in.”
-arns, ep 003
(and now: an interlude about how we all tend to bop our heads to sick beats and cool melodies without knowing wtf the song is actually about. This is why c-c-c-context matters!!!)
As the segment wraps up, Arns shares that whenever Olivia Dean performs “Carmen” live, she appears to enter an almost meditative state when her granny’s voice is featured: eyes closed, hands over her heart, basking in the glory of her grandmother's legacy as the crowd listens along. “Carmen” is a grounding reminder to all of us to hold our ancestors’ love and sacrifice in our hearts with pride, throwing a jubilee in their stead. As Olivia Dean sings: “You’re stronger than I’ll ever be, never got a jubilee; I’ll throw it for you, Carmen, Carmen, I will.”
Conclusion
Nins admits that sharing such a raw experience today was tough but necessary—because not talking about it would've been its own form of masking. But fear not, dear crybabies: our professional bullshitters assure us that future episodes will probably feature slightly less vulnerable (but still valid) topics such as the struggle of applying false eyelashes. ("It was just so hard!!!")
The duo reiterates their whole thesis: there are a plethora of reasons to cry, and this episode just happened to tap into a heavy one. But whether you’re shedding tears of joy or ugly crying until the snot drips languidly from your nose, you’re always welcome here (with these two girlies and their dumbass jokes). They sign off with an invitation to their growing crybaby community: share your sob stories on their website or slide into their inbox at hello@brbcryingpodcast.com. They got more shit to say, so stay tuned. But until then…brb crying :’)