010: puppy love / life's a blur
in this episode, arns misses her puppy of 16 years, Cosmo. nins reflects on "Blurry" by JP Saxe and being anchored by love.
CONTENT WARNING: pet loss, grief, anxiety, depression
episode summary
Intro
They’re back, baby! "Surprise, surprise, we cried again," Nins quips.
The duo outline some important goals for the show. "You listen and you're like, 'Dude, I fuck with these girls…hopefully,'" Nins says. Arns cuts in: “If you don’t, why are you still here? Turn it off.” Nins then pleads, "No, don't go!"
They then drop some news: they're taking a summer break. "Don't worry, we're coming back," Nins reassures listeners. "We’re doing this for you, honestly. Think of it as R&D. It's a work trip,” Arns defends. “Charge it on the card,” Nins supplies helpfully.
The hosts reminisce about back-to-school vibes, with Arns waxing nostalgic about freshly sharpened pencils. Nins interjects, "Let's be honest, I didn't use pencils that needed sharpening. 0.5 mm mechanical pencil PLEASE or I don't want it."
As they wrap up the intro, they encourage listeners to reflect on what they've learned over the past 10 episodes. "Report back to us," Arns suggests. They also shamelessly plug their social media presence. "Rack those views up. Come on, we got work to do," Nins jokes. But seriously, they encourage, send in sob stories.
Just when you think they might be signing off because they’ve been talking so damn long, they remind listeners that they still have a whole ass episode to get to. "I guess we should do this," Arns concedes. "Let's fucking get it on then," Nins announces, ready to dive into another emotional rollercoaster.
Arns: missing Cosmo
Arns' heart thunders in her chest as she braces herself to unpack the weighty topic of losing Cosmo, her furry soulmate of 16 years. She's so nervous she curls into a ball, begging Nins to avert her gaze or even vacate the premises. “Maybe just go in the other room,” Arns suggests as she obscures her face behind her notes.
Rewind to 2008. Picture our teenage hosts in all their mid-2000s glory—Hollister tee, Abercrombie jeans, braided belt artfully slung across their hips. The family's wound from losing their dog Jin Jin is still raw when, two months later, during a "very cool high school party" (read: painfully wholesome daytime gathering, zero alcohol, peak teenage awkwardness), a tiny white furball comes zooming into their lives.
"Wtf is that?" Arns blurts out, watching the pup ricochet off walls. Her mom drops the bombshell with casual nonchalance - surprise, we've got a new dog! :’)))))
But amidst the chaos, something magical happens. This 4-pound bundle of fluff locks eyes with Arns, and in that moment, their fates intertwine. Cosmo chooses her, claiming her pillow (and her heart) that very night. Arns manages a whopping two hours of sleep, a fitting initiation into 16 years of joyful disruption.
Cosmo becomes Arns' shadow, her "little white rat," as she affectionately calls him. He's there through the awkward high school years, occasionally accompanying her to class in college, and even saving her from a traffic ticket with his irresistible charm (incessant barking). Arns transforms into a full-fledged "helicopter dog mom," obsessing over his care and bragging about for the first time in her life, she had a dog who didn’t try to run away—proof of her devotion.
Time, however, is relentless. As Arns' belly swells with pregnancy, caring for an aging Cosmo becomes a Herculean task. His health falters, and Arns wrestles with guilt, her heart torn between her unborn child and her furry firstborn. The dreaded call comes in January— Cosmo's stopped eating. At the vet, Arns faces the room she'd always averted her eyes from, the one where final goodbyes are whispered.
Cradling Cosmo as the sedative takes hold, Arns' facade crumbles. She sobs, remembering their pact to never leave him alone in his final moments like they did their last dog. Cosmo's fading gaze locks onto hers one last time, a silent "thank you" passing between them.
The grief hits Arns like a tsunami. She cries everywhere—sobbing at work, waiting anxiously for her baby to sleep so she can fully unleash her anguish. "I just can't wait for her to go to sleep so I can cry," she would think to herself. But for once in her life, she didn’t stop herself from being overwhelmed with grief. Instead, she let it come to her, again and again…and each time, she let it.
Months later, a dream brings an unexpected balm to Arns' heartache. She spots Cosmo at a pool (ironic, given his hatred of water) with another family. Instead of jealousy, she feels a profound sense of peace. "Oh good," dream-Arns thinks. "There are more people to love him." It's a bittersweet epiphany—true love means celebrating their happiness, even if it's without you.
Arns closes her story with a tender, teary farewell tinged with her signature humor: "Wherever you are Cosmo, I know you're probably being a fucking asshole to your new family, but I know they love you just the same." In those words lie the essence of their bond—unconditional love, laughter through tears, and the unshakeable certainty that somewhere, somehow, their souls remain connected.
Nins: "Blurry" by JP Saxe
Nins dives into her segment with a mix of trepidation and determination. "I might get pretty heavy too, but we'll try to end it on a good note," she graciously begins, setting the stage for an emotional journey.
She introduces us to JP Saxe, a Canadian musician with music in his blood—his grandfather's a Grammy-winning cellist. "He's kind of a neppo baby," Nins quips, "but his music is very much not classical." She paints a picture of a passionate artist who, at 19, packed up and moved to LA to chase his musical dreams. (An important aside—Nins teaches us how to correctly pronounce “Toronto”.)
Saxe's dedication to his craft shines through as Nins describes his friendship with poets. "Hanging out with poets pushes me to up my game," she quotes him. "If I sing something melodically beautiful but lyrically underwhelming to a poet friend, they don't give a shit about how pretty it might sound. They'll tell me I'm being lazy."
The spotlight turns to Saxe's song "Blurry," and Nins has to provide a disclaimer. "To be so fucking for real, this song was released in 2018, right before his career really catapulted into fame," she admits. "I really wasn't able to find any clips or interviews where he talked about the song at length." But for Nins, that's not a problem. "Music and art, while the context is great, can more so be about how we perceive it, what it means to us personally," she muses. "Basically, me making s up about this song." Sick, bro.
After playing "Blurry" for Arns, Nins digs into the song's lyrics and the way one particular article dances around the fact that it’s about a couple getting intimate. "They're boinking in this song. Like, just say that they're boinking, you know?"
But it's the chorus that truly resonates with Nin: "All that I'm in are the parts of my skin touching yours, and everything's blurry but you." These lines transport her back to a dark period in her life, when she was trapped in a toxic job that left her fantasizing about minor illnesses or car accidents just to avoid going to work.
Nins’ voice softens as she recalls her daily goodbyes with her partner, Lu. "I would always linger a little bit longer, just fighting back tears and making our goodbye last longer so I wouldn't have to leave," she confesses. The memory of frantically cold-calling therapists from the office bathroom hangs heavy in the air.
As Nins recounts her journey through therapy and self-improvement, she shares snippets from her gratitude journal. Entry after entry, Lu's name appears as a constant source of comfort and joy. "Everything was blurry but him," she says, her voice thick with emotion.
The chaotic musical outro of "Blurry" becomes a metaphor for Nins’ life at that time - a cacophony of stress and anxiety, with JP Saxe's voice cutting through, repeating "Everything's blurry but you." For Nins, it's a powerful reminder of how Lu anchored her during her darkest days.
Wrapping up, Nins extends an olive branch to listeners who might be rolling their eyes at her love story. "I hope that me sharing this story isn't coming off as an annoying brag about how my relationship with my partner is so perfect, because it's not.” Instead, she encourages everyone to find that one clear thing in their own blurry world, be it a job, a child, a pet, or a dream.
As the segment winds down, Arns chimes in, touched by this glimpse into her friend's private world. "I love when you share these tender moments about your life with Lu," she says. "Even as your best friend, I don't see that. I don't see the struggling in private the way he does."
Nins closes with a bittersweet reflection on her younger self, wishing she could gift this podcast - and all the growth it represents - to her 27-year-old self. In that moment, the blur of life comes into sharp focus, revealing the power of vulnerability, friendship, and love.
Conclusion
"Thank you all for joining us again on this little couch," Arns wraps up before launching into a whimsical list of possible listening scenarios. "Maybe you're driving to work, maybe you're lying in bed with your eyes closed…”
“Maybe you're wearing a belt over your shirt," Nins interjects.
"Maybe you're wearing a braided belt slung low across your hips,” Arns confirms.
“With a very long necklace,” Nins adds.
"Yes. Beaded necklace," Arns specifies.
The hosts then pivot to a more sincere tone, expressing gratitude to their listeners. "Thank you for letting us be vulnerable and hopefully being vulnerable with yourself in your own life," Nins says, her voice warm with appreciation.
Despite their upcoming break, they're eager to stay connected with their audience. "Please, please, please reach out to us if you have any sob stories," Arns implores. They rattle off various contact methods—email, website, social media—assuring listeners, "We will read everything and we love hearing from you."
The excitement for the future of their podcast is palpable. "It has been such a joy to work on this podcast and release it to the world," Nins gushes. "We are really, really excited for where this is going to go."
As they sign off, the intensity weirdly ramps us. "We will be back. SO fucking back,” they declare.
Until then…brb crying :’)